It often feels like the world is against us, that the deck is stacked against us, the world is beating us around.  Our usual reaction to this is to look for a perpetrator, someone or something that is doing this to us, that hates us, someone or something that has it in for us.

This is never the case, it is a programmed behaviour.  We are taught from birth to “fit in”, “follow the rules”, “be what is expected”, or we will be punished in some way or another.

And that punishment will be decided by some arbitrary force, or person outside of ourselves – call it god, karma, or whatever. The guidelines to pleasing this “force” are also confusing, often hidden, and beyond our control.

This leads us into one of the most destructive thought patterns in our experience, Victim Mentality. The sense that we are powerless to control our fate, that we have failed and are being punished, so we just need to “grin and bear it”, “turn the other cheek”, “take it like a man”, and carry on – making ourselves “better”, or “more worthy”, or “more deserving” of approval by others, be they people, gods, unseen forces or whatever.

While we are at cause of everything in our lives, so is everyone else in their lives.  The way energy works is that it “clumps” together, like energy to like energy, this is why teachers often tell us to keep positive people around, look at who we surround ourselves with etc.

Another way this “clumping” generates is that each “grouping” be it family, work environment, neighbourhood, church, political party, etc. generates a “clump” of energy from the combined energy of the individuals within the group.

So, although we may think that we are focussed on the energy we want to achieve in our space, it is often impacted by the energy of others in that same space or “clump” of energy.

This is where the “weak-minded”, fearful members of the group start trying to control the group and manipulate it into their way of thinking – the “Karens” of the world – side note – did you know the accepted masculine version of “Karens” is “Kevins” – how rude!!, anyway moving along.

This is all very intimidating, and a bit of a mind-fuck. With all this energy around us, influencing us, how can we not be a victim of the energy? How can we claim our own power with all this “working against us”?

Do we need to move, get a new job, cut people out of our lives, destroy relationships, “fix” things, lock our doors and stay inside, become a hermit?

Sometimes, yes, but more often it is just about changing the way we look at things, by claiming our own power back, by saying no, and changing our energy, the way we feel about things, the way we look at things. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. 

Activism doesn’t change the world, all it does is further entrench the thought into the “collective consciousness”.

What does change the world is changing ourselves, changing the way we look at and interpret things, so instead of looking at things as a punishment by some external force, rather look at the way you are taking the situation on board, the experience you are choosing to have, the conclusions you are drawing from the “external evidence”, these are all programmed into us from birth – is there another interpretation, another way of seeing things, a way of interpreting a situation in a way that empowers you?

The more power we give external forces or other people over how we see ourselves, what is “right” and “wrong” or “good” or “bad”; the more we sacrifice our own ability to create, and more importantly, interpret our own experience.

What I find fascinating about this card, is the rope around the man’s wrist – it is tied tightly and securely around his wrist, but very loosely around the bedpost, one hard tug and it will be released, or even picking up the bed briefly will release the rope.

The man is trapped in his devastation because he has been trained to believe that he is confined.

Interesting story – circus elephants were controlled using this principle.  As babies they were secured tightly to big stakes in the ground that they couldn’t move no matter how hard they tried, over time they “programmed” themselves to believe that when the rope was around their ankle, they were trapped.

As adult elephants, these “programmed” elephants could be restrained by loosely hooking a rope around a small tent peg tapped into the ground near them, they didn’t even try to break free.

Our external “programming” does this to us too. Look at where you are, how you have defined yourself, and what you are allowing to control you, are you a “programmed” elephant, or can you move forward with just a little tug?

Let’s look at an example. You have a manager at work that is a bit narcissistic, she seems to have the ear of important people, takes credit for your work, sabotages your progress, always comes out “smelling like roses” regardless of the chaos she causes, maybe even wins awards no-one can work out how.

You know that most other people in the environment, both higher and lower than you in the hierarchy know she doesn’t really deserve her position, or the accolades she receives, many people see right thorough her, and yet she is not stopped and keeps on sowing chaos wherever she goes.

Let’s do the victim thing first: She has the power to destroy your career, so don’t piss her off.  Challenging her results in attacks and chaos, so you quietly fume and let her “beat you up”, working harder, destroying your own peace and balance, just to get through. Slowly destroying your own passion, and joy to make sure she is happy.

Or you go on the attack, arguing with her, reporting her, setting traps for her to fall in, making legal or HR cases against her, calling up discrimination laws, and other HR policies. The result of this is that you are then seen as antagonistic, you instil fear in others, you lose focus on your work as you fight her. You get her back up and make yourself her enemy, so her attacks on you become stronger and more violent.

Neither of these scenarios is going to work within your integrity and is going to create a never-ending, ever intensifying, cycle of destruction for both of you.

You are either going to become a doormat or create a persona for yourself that your soul can not live with.

How do you handle this without destroying yourself in some way?

Do some inner work first. What aspects of her personality make you uncomfortable or hurt you – why is that, what triggers do you have that her behaviour feeds into?

Next realise that you have the power to change the way she impacts your experience, you may not be able to control her behaviour, but you can control your response to her behaviour, what you take on board.  Once you know your triggers, you can de-programme them within yourself, so her behaviour will no longer trigger your wound.

Next up is forgiveness, it is very rare that someone is truly born a monster, our experiences, and programming teaches us to behave in monstrous ways. These lessons then become our agreements that we accept without question (refer the Introduction to the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz).

She knows what she has done to get where she has, she is aware, consciously or unconsciously, that she is on unstable ground and your work ethic, mental acuity, emotional maturity etc. frightens her.

A frightened animal will more often than not attack. Understand she may be afraid – it is important to note here that this is not about her experience, but your experience of her, and the “facts” of the matter or the “real reason” behind her behaviour is not important or relevant to your experience of her or how you process your interactions with her.

Once you can truly see that, you can act with more compassion towards her, not feed into her aggression and make it worse, but dispel it so that it no longer impacts your interactions.

You will also feel stronger and more grounded and safer in your experience.